WITH APOLOGIES TO ALL THE LOVELY MUMS AND FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAWS OUT THERE. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!
May I be the last person to wish you and yours a Happy New Year and let's hope 2012 is the bestest year yet, especially for those planning their weddings. At the risk of giving away my age (I'm 104), I was born in the Year of the Dragon so given that we have another Dragon year I have decided, in fact it's the law, that 2012 is going to be pretty much brilliant.
Today I have decided to share with you another good reason for hiring a wedding planner. Well, there's a surprise, she would say that wouldn't she? It's this: Your Mother and unfortunately, sometimes, your future Mother-in-Law. There, I said it so don't hate me.
Well gadzooks, the wedding forums I've been reading have got some shocking stories of what amounts to the most hideous level of interference from people who are supposed to love their daughters, but the following issues keep coming up and so I thought I'd make it clear why you NEED A WEDDING PLANNER to deal with it all.
I feel great sympathy for Mums and Mothers-in-Law as they are only trying to help and sometimes, if she's gone through a divorce from your Dad I understand that she wants to make it all better so that you have a fabulous start to your own marriage but sometimes the way to hell is paved with good intentions, wouldn't you say?
Contract and Contact
Let's start by saying that if you hire me, our contract will stipulate that I act on your behalf and for noone else. I'm quite strict on this for obvious reasons and this means that although I can reduce options for you and present elements which I think you'd like (based on our frequent contact) I can't and won't make your decisions. This also means that if, or rather when, your Mum/Mother-in Law finds out that you've hired me, does some research, finds out who I am and calls me (oh yes) you will be glad to know that any orders requests and preferences, even a desire to change the wedding date (yes, this has happened) will be parried and managed - politely, of course!
Professional Distance
This sounds obvious but suppose that you're really stuck for ideas; you've given me some ideas for example you may want "classy" or "spring wedding" so off I toddle to create what wedding planners call "my vision". If you're not keen on any of my ideas then I go away and find some more for you. Seemples.
If your Mum does this, she may be offended as you are in effect rejecting her taste or her choices. Hmm...painful.
Remember also that you have no history with me - I know nothing about your upbringing, family stories, break-ups, family rows and any of the other jiggery pokery that may have gone on in your life. So your lovely Mum's claims that "you've always loved bright Tangerine (incidentally the Pantone Colour of the Year) and your dear-departed Granny would be heartbroken if your bridesmaids don't wear it" don't cut the mustard with me. Our initial meeting will establish colours you like and those that make you feel bilious. If the matriarch insists, send her in my direction, I have no problems with that little word, "no".
The Wedding of her Dreams
Oh dear, this is a knotty problem, isn't it? You know, I don't think some Mothers and MILs have the first clue that they are actually trying to foister on you the wedding that they didn't have, they really don't, they just think that it's all going to be lovely.
Listen - it's the wedding of your dreams, so if you get me on board you will hear me ask something like *coughs* "...and your Mum/Mother-in-Law? What does she think? Any likely, err, challenges for me to deal with?" and then I know to board up my door and change my mobile ring tone to the Nellie the Elephant theme to recognise her number.
Money, Money, Money
OK I hear you. Your Mum and Dad are paying for the whole thing/part of it/the reception and as they say , "he who pays the piper calls the tune". One thing to do here:
Sit down with them and TALK about this issue before it goes too far, before any planning is done and before anyone ends up in tears, ie you. Get me working with you as early as you can to protect you from this issue, to help you to plan your Budget (I love a spreadsheet). Oh yes, and open a separate bank account for your wedding money, it makes life a lot easier.
But...
He loves his Mum and doesn't want to hurt her. Well of COURSE he loves his Mum, she brought him up to be a nice lad and you're marrying him because he doesn't leave the toilet seat up, he remembers to put cups in the dishwasher and he rubs your feet at the end of a long day He's kind and considerate because she brought him up not to be waited on and you should marry him - oh. You are. Your husband-to-be will be caught between a rock and a hard place - pleasing you and trying to keep his Mum happy.
Yours truly knows how to deal with this: there's a certain professional distance that will go a long way to solving this issue and as I said, it's your choices that count
I've Done This Before, you know...
Obvious one but it needs saying - although she organised her own wedding years ago, your Mum has not planned, implemented and managed lots of weddings and there are many details that need to be established and checked otherwise you will find that there is no knife to cut your cake, that the florist has written the date down in the wrong month (she didn't call or email to confirm), that there are two weddings on the same day etc just because she didn't know to find out about these fiddly details.
My check-lists are legendary. OK, they're not but you know what I mean.
Yes, she has organised her own wedding but that doesn't count. OK? Many people (mainly women, sigh...) think that planning other people's weddings is easy peasy if you've co-ordinated your own. It's not. Don't make me come over to your house and explain why.
As your wedding planner, you will be pleased to know that after a long career in business sales, I know how to read people's body language, which helps if you're dealing with difficult people (someone who should have known better - no names no pack drill - turned her back on me yesterday and directed all answers to my questions to the couple rather than me. Hey ho!)
You know, this sounds mad, but I'm available for you. You can call me out-of-hours and if you like I can meet you on a Sunday - or any time, come to think of it. Your Mum may have "other stuff" going on in her life, both personal and professional and dare I say it, she may forget to do something very important - you know, like booking the caterer and then where would you be? Hungry, I guess.
Also, I'm a bit older than the norm and have lots of life experiences to draw on. I can deal with your Mum or your Mother-in-Law, no problemo.
So...set the tone of your marriage and start as you mean to go on. Get your wedding best friend on board as early as you can. Go on, you know you want to.
Susan
x
If you'd like me to help you with any aspect of planning your wedding or civil partnership, contact me on 07816 684 756.
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